So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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