I feel like abortions should bother me more
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
