There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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