If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
