its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
