So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
