It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
