My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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