Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
