Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
