Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
