I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
