Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
