I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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