I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
