All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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