I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
not ubering you a puppy
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize