Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
