Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
