You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
