so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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