I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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