Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
