You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
