I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
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