my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My pussy is not your playground.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
