I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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