Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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