Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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