Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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