If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
They are going to name an STD after you.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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