I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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