So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
