explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize