I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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