were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Randomize
