Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
