I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize