I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I wish there were birth control emojis
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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