The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
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