If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
