1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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