just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
