Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
