I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
