Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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