Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
