So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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