Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
