I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize