I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
