its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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