I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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