I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
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