I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
