im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
