Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
