I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
