Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
