i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
