You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Hippo gnu deer
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
