i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
