Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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