i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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